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THE FAKE DALAI LAMA

Tibetan Buddhism has been taken over by Chinese imposters. China took over Tibet and murdered the real Dalai Lama in the 1950s. They then installed a fake Dalai Lama and began getting rid of all the real Tibetan Buddhists.

At the same time, they physically annexed Tibet and began destroying their culture, buldings and economy. Tibet has been mostly destroyed by China since the 1990s. Meanwhile Tibetan Buddhism has become a joke that doesn't represent Tibetan religious beliefs.

The Fake Dalai Lama routinely raises huge amounts of money from shady people. The Fake Dalai Lama actually sells slaves thoughout the world. When he's making religious visits they are really visits following up on slave trading deals. The Japanese use the Fake Dalai Lama as their front to the West. He can travel to the west and meet up with people to sell them slaves from the East.

Tibetan Buddhism meanwhile has been taken over by weirdo Hollywood types who don't know anything about true Tibetan beliefs or culture.

Steven Seagal was formally declared to be a tulku – a reincarnated lama – by the oldest sect of Tibetan Buddhism. “All beings have within them the potential for becoming Buddhas,” declared an eminent Buddhist leader. “With Steven Seagal, I perceived this potential to be particularly strong.” He went on to rule: “It is possible to be both a popular movie star and a tulku.”

As indicated, a lot of people made a fuss about this back in the day, to which the only response is: people can be very dreary, can’t they? For me, the best bit about the news was that, despite his radioactive absurdity even back then, Seagal got the nod, and fellow serious Hollywood Buddhist Richard Gere didn’t. I pictured Gere smashing an entire poolhouse shrine when he found out. Similarly, I hope Seagal’s latest honour has put things into perspective for other Putin bros such as Julian Assange and Glenn Greenwald. To be politically leapfrogged in Putin’s affections by a guy wearing Travolta’s castoff widow’s peaks is a reminder that life comes at you fast. And it could easily be about to use a microwave as a weapon against you.

Even so, some of you may be wondering: is it possible to be both a tulku and an envoy for Putin? It appears so. On the one hand, it would seem a bit of a contradiction to be tinkling your gold bells at the same time as regularly posing for pictures with surface-to-air missiles. But Seagal is nothing if not pragmatic. He has an intense reverence for Native American artefacts, for instance – but if you are kicking off in a bar and he has only a dreamcatcher to hand, he will strangle you with it without hesitation.